


The First Night

by theonlyconstant



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-10
Updated: 2011-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-27 04:23:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonlyconstant/pseuds/theonlyconstant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn't the first time this has happened, whatever this is, but it's the first time he's going to spend the night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the very first fic I wrote for HIMYM! Exciting. It's also the first fic I wrote after many years away from writing fanfiction. I wrote this pre-season 7, so picture it anywhere around there. All mistakes are entirely mine, though I tried to catch most of them. Happy reading!

This isn't the first time this has happened, but it's the first time he's going to spend the night.

They've been hooking up for a while now, frantic make out sessions and groping, fooling around for hours sometimes but they haven’t gotten here, to this place before.

Usually after they make out for a while, fool around and get off and the one of them leaves, but either way Ted ends up back in his own bed and the quiet solitude of his apartment. Which is a fantastic place to be after you just jerked off your best friend for the first (second, third?) time and you’re wondering what it means and why did you do that (why do you guys keep doing that?) and all those other worries like what exactly is going on here, where is this going, what do you even call what we’re doing?

(How about hot as fuck?)

So yes, Ted’s done the quiet contemplation, the internal panic, the freaking out – all of that times two. But he’s done it alone, in his own bed or his own shower where no one could see. And now he’s afraid he’s going to have one of those freak outs, if just a mini-one, right here in Barney’s bed.

Normally he just goes home because it’s relatively early. Normally this happens on one of those nights where there is no one at the bar, none of their friends and Barney is striking out left and right (maybe Ted too, if he’s even trying) and they have nothing better to do. Nothing better to do but get naked on Barney’s couch. Ted knows what makes this time not normal, but he’s still processing everything, still contemplating where they are now.

Ted sits upright in Barney’s bed, knees bent with his arms flung on top of them, head bent, thinking about the very first time it happened.

It was the first night in a long while it had been just the two of them, no Marshall and Lily (who were starting to really get into finding their perfect couple), no Robin (who had a date) and no other girlfriends or baggage or much to worry about besides having a nice, stiff drink.

There they are, across from each other in the booth, drinks between them when Barney asks “So, strip club?”

Ted shrugs. “Nah, man, I’m not really up for the strip club right now.”

“You never are up for the strip club,” Barney says, and it’s kind of a pout. “You’re never up for anything. You are so boring sometimes Ted.”

Ted rolls his eyes. “Just because I don’t feel like staring into the sad, dead eyes of your favorite girls in the world right now and just because you haven’t found anyone worth hitting on in the bar tonight doesn’t make me boring. It actually makes you boring, and also predictable.”

Barney scoffs loudly. “Ted, puh-lease, I am anything but boring and predictable. I am hurt,” and he rubs his arm as if Ted’s words had managed to punch him. “It’s like you don’t even know me!” Which, oddly enough, Ted is about to find out is slightly true.

“Fine,” Ted sighs, “you’re not boring and predictable but you know you’re going to have to prove that statement now. With something that is not a strip club, laser tag, or getting more drunk. What do you want to do?”

Barney takes a sip from his drink and gives a slight shrug, as if to say no problem. “Fine,” he says, setting the drink back down and locking eyes with Ted. “Wanna make out?”

Ted bursts out laughing. “Ok dude, you didn’t have to go that far. I believe you now.”

Barney cocks an eyebrow. “You believe me that I’m not boring, or you believe me that I wanna make out?”

“That you’re not boring,” Ted answers as though this is not even a question.

“What if I really do wanna make out?” Barney asks.

“Ok, I said you weren’t boring but that doesn’t mean you have to be weird about it,” Ted says.

“What’s weird about it? You’re single, I’m single, we’re clearly both attracted to each other, and neither of us is going home with any of the girls here tonight,” Barney reasons, counting these out on his fingers. “So we should probably just make out.”

“Ok, number one I didn’t think we came here tonight to pick up girls –“

“Please dude, like I have to try.”

“And two, what do you mean we’re both attracted to each other?”

Barney scoffs. “Ted, please, you’ve been attracted to me since the moment you laid eyes on me.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Ted asks, fully confused now. “I’m pretty sure you’re the one who approached me.”

“I said it was mutual, didn’t I?”

“Ok so what is this, some kind of crazy stunt? An act? If we make out with each other, girls will think it’s hot? I really don’t understand how you intended to take a girl home if they think you’re gay.”

“Ted, we didn’t come here tonight to try to pick up girls,” Barney says seriously. It’s not even a dead-pan funny serious, he’s serious.

Ted just sputters. He has no idea how else he’s supposed to react to this, having gone with laughing it off, acting like Barney is crazy and calling out a potentially bizarre pick up play. He considers saying no, but he doesn’t think that’s really going to work. If this is something Barney is serious about he’ll talk circles around Ted until Ted’s forgotten where the argument began. So he tries the only thing he has left: calling his bluff.

“Fine, Barney, let’s make out.”

“Awesome, grab your coat.”

“Where are we going?”

“My place, obviously,” Barney says.

“Wait, why? I thought we were just gonna make out right here?” That was part of Ted’s calling his bluff plan. He imagined Barney sliding over to him, putting his arm around his shoulders and a hand on his thigh, nuzzling up to Ted before kissing him slowly, deeply – wait, that’s not what he’s supposed to be imagining. He thought before Barney could even make it to his lips that they’d both bursting out laughing at the ridiculousness of all of it. But that only works if they’re in public, if people are watching to see them goof on each other. If they go somewhere private –

-Oh god, Barney really does want to make out with him, doesn’t he?

“Why would we make out in a bar, Ted? That’s a little public for our first time, don’t you think?” And here is Barney standing up, laying money down on the table, gathering his coat. Ted feels like he’s slipped into the Twilight Zone.

“Our first time? What are you talking about here, exactly?” he asks.

Barney stomps his foot impatiently, like a child. “Ted! Please get up and let’s go so we can go make out. My God you are a such a girl sometimes.”

Ted’s not fond of being called a girl, and so without really paying attention to what he’s doing he gets up also, picks up his stuff and they head out the door.

They don’t say anything to each other on the ride over to Barney’s apartment and they don’t say anything on the elevator ride up. They don’t say anything while Barney unlocks the door, they don’t say anything while they step inside or while Barney takes off his coat. Ted is thinking of what he should say, trying to decide what is going on here exactly, ask when is the part where they laugh this all off and have a beer and watch bad TV and while he’s thinking of everything that he should say, overanalyzing the situation as usual, Barney has somehow pressed them both up against the wall next to the door and is kissing him, softly, gently.

He’s making out with Barney, he realizes.

Oh God, he’s making out with Barney. This isn’t a joke, this isn’t a call of anyone’s bluff, this is actually, really happening right now, with Barney’s hands on his shoulders kind of pinning him to the wall so he can’t go anywhere. But then Ted really takes in the situation and realizes that it isn’t just that Barney is kissing him, tongue sliding slowly between his lips, it’s that Ted has his hands resting on Barney’s hips, it’s that Ted’s legs are slightly apart and Barney has one knee between them, it’s that he’s answering Barney’s kissing, he’s actively making out with Barney - he’s a willing participant. A willing participant who just moaned a little.

The moan makes Barney drop his hands from Ted’s shoulders and rest them on Ted’s hips, pressing further into him, so there’s no space between their bodies. Ted feels his body responding and blushes deeply, feels his face getting hot and wonders if Barney can feel it too, feel his hot face and his erection. He has no idea why this is embarrassing with no one around to see, when he realizes he’s afraid Barney will say this is all a joke at laugh at him for getting hard.

They finally break apart, like they’ve had to come up for air before they drown in each other. They’re both breathing heavily, faces still inches away from each other. But they aren’t looking at each other, they’re looking down at their bodies pressed together, foreheads touching, just panting. Ted lifts his head slightly, moving as though he’s going to speak but his lips touch against Barney’s lips and they’re warm, smoother than he thought they’d be and he’s softer than Ted thought they’d be and that surprises him. Ted brings his hands up to touch Barney’s face, feel his hair, and they’re kissing again. It feels dangerous, forbidden, like this is something they shouldn’t be doing but suddenly Ted really, really wants to be doing this. Barney slides his hands up and down Ted’s sides, stroking, and Ted wonders if he’d been pinning his shoulders to the wall because he was afraid Ted would run. The touching feels good, almost as good as the kissing which isn’t rough, or angry but sweet and tender. One of Barney’s hands reaches up, stroking Ted’s chest, and it falls slowly until it rests on top of his jeans, then Barney opens his palm and –

“Oh fuck,” Ted says and it breaks the moment, breaks the kiss and they’re just looking at each other again, breathing heavy. Barney’s hand goes back to resting on his hip.

When they’ve regained normal breathing Ted works up the courage to ask something, ask what just happened or ask what all that was about, and he raises his eyes to meet Barney’s. They’re so close, and Barney’s eyes are so blue, and the question that was rising it gets caught in his throat because he doesn’t think he’s ever really seen Barney’s eyes this way, this color. He’s not sure what he’s seeing exactly – passion? Arousal? Adoration?

Barney speaks first. “Good make out, Ted!” he says loudly, cheerfully and then Ted’s off the wall, spinning around, Barney guiding him, spinning him right out the door, which slams shut behind him.

There is Ted, standing in the hallway, feeling confused and slightly used, with a raging hard on. He considers his options – banging on the door and demanding to be let back in versus walking away – and when he realizes he has no idea what he would actually complain about when Barney opens the door, he readjusts and starts figuring out how he’ll get back to his place.

That was the first time he didn’t spend the night.


	2. Chapter 2

It isn’t awkward the next day like he thinks it will be. They sit down together at the bar and when Ted goes to say something about it, ask something about it (make it real somehow) Barney just starts talking about his shitty day at work, and Ted starts laughing and asking questions about it, and it’s like nothing happened. Then Marshall and Lily join them and they talk about their work days, and then Robin joins them all too and nothing is awkward and Ted doesn’t feel transparent like he thought he would, like everyone would look at him and see “Made out with Barney” written on his forehead. In fact there is nothing out of the ordinary about it at all.

At least, that’s what he thinks until the night starts to wind down, and they are all laughed out and have run out of stories, and everyone is getting ready to part. They are discussing the next day and what everyone will be doing. When Robin sighs loudly and starts talking about going to work, that’s when Barney’s hand lands on Ted’s thigh. Ted’s used to feeling Barney’s hand on his shoulders or arm, or on his knee to get his attention, but never on his thigh the way you would with your girlfriend. It’s intimate, familiar. He has no idea what it’s doing there.

Robin, Lily and Marshall get up to leave but Ted knows he and Barney are staying right there. Lily looks at them oddly. “Aren’t you guys going too?” she asks.

“Not just yet,” Barney says, “maybe just one more drink.”

“One more,” Ted echoes and it sounds so lame. He’s 99% sure no one can see under the table, even while standing up, to where Barney’s hand is still resting.

“You guys are acting weird,” Lily says and Ted feels his face burn hot, and suddenly he knows that “Made out with Barney” really is on his face and it’s been there all night.

“No we’re not!” He protests loudly and awkwardly and it’s so awful Barney takes his hand off his thigh and Ted is actually sad about that.

Lily’s eyes widen as she slides her coat on. “Ok, you’re not acting weird, sorry Ted,” she says. “We’ll see you guys tomorrow. Be good.”

Once they’re out of earshot Ted sputters. “Be good? Be good? What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks, and then he laughs uncomfortably and looks at Barney, who is looking at him like he’s out of his mind.

“You’re acting weird,” he says flatly.

“Who’s acting weird? No one’s acting weird, why does everyone thinking I’m acting weird?” Ted asks defensively.

“Everyone thinks you’re acting weird because you’re acting weird,” Barney explains.

“You wanna talking about who’s acting weird let’s talk about you putting your hand on me, what was that?”

“Robin’s going to work,” Barney says. Ted stares at him.

“That’s… that answer doesn’t make any sense.”

“Robin’s going to work, so she won’t notice if I come upstairs and we make out again.”

“Wha-aat?” Ted sputters again, laughing awkwardly. “What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about, Mosby,” Barney says, and did he really just waggle his eyebrows at Ted? “A little you, a little me, a little couch, maybe get naked…”

“Whoa dude seriously. What the fuck,” Ted says.

“Well, maybe.”

“No, seriously, stop. Stop this right now, what the fuck is going on?” Ted demands.

Barney sighs. “What’s going on is, I really enjoyed our little make out session last night, and I’d like to do it again, maybe see what’s underneath that shirt of yours, or down your pants.”

Ted feels something thump inside him when Barney says that but he ignores it, pressing the conversation. “No, dude seriously what the fuck is this. I am not gay, you are not gay, we do not make out –“

“Yes we do.”

“-We do not get naked with each other. We are bros, we date women, and, in fact you fuck copious amounts of women. What is going on here?”

“Who cares what’s going on here?” Barney says nonchalantly, shrugging. “You make me horny, I make you horny and as far as I’m concerned that means only one thing.”

“Barney stop this, seriously. I am not a bimbo in a bar who is going to fall for your bullshit. You can’t just pull moves on me and except them to work, I am your friend. I am your male friend who yes, maybe made out with you last night but that doesn’t mean I’m suddenly gay for you and it doesn’t mean I wanna go upstairs and make out with you or do anything else with you. At all. Ever again.”

Barney sighs loudly, put upon. “Two things need to happen right now. One, you need to chill out about being gay. Making out with one guy, one time, does not suddenly make you gay nor does it make you anything at all and you have a clear and proven heterosexual track record so if I you keep acting like this is some sexual identity crisis I will slap you Ted, hard. That is not what is going on here.”

Mentally, Ted gives a sigh of relief to hear Barney say the 'words what is going on here' because his brain is desperate for some answers, trying to make sense of the situation and if Barney has any idea, even in the slightest, of what that is then he’s willing to listen. So ok, he says to himself, do not freak out about whether or not this is gay. (Wait a minute, what is this, exactly? No, stop! Stop freaking out!)

“Two,” Barney says, sliding dangerously close to Ted and oh, there’s that hand again on his thigh, on his upper thigh, almost on his – “Two, we need to go upstairs, get in your bed, take off all our clothes and lick each other until we can’t taste anything else.”

Suddenly Ted feels incredibly light-headed and woozy and Barney is really, really close, touching him and smelling good. He has that look in his eyes again, that un-definable look that makes the hairs on the back of Ted’s neck stand up. Ted’s mouth goes dry and his toes and fingers are tingling and he manages to croak out, “You kicked me out last night.”

Barney sighs a little, sitting back down in his seat. “I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why did you do that?” Ted asks.

“Because I freaked out for a minute, I’m sorry. I just – freaked out.”

“About what, exactly, because it feels like you’re the cruise director on this voyage and you seem to know what’s going on here better than me.”

“I know what’s going on here because I’m not in my head looking for hidden meaning in everything. You need to relax, Ted, and just go with this. Do something wild and crazy for once in your life.”

“Sky diving would be wild and crazy. This would be, this is…”

Then Barney almost on top of him again and this time his hand is definitely, definitely on top of Ted’s groin - or should he say hard on. “I promise you, if you let me come upstairs, I will make it worth your while.”

Ted is aware that people are starting to stare, giving them funny looks and it makes him deeply uncomfortable, almost as uncomfortable as his pants are getting. “Okay,” he says softly, barely understanding what he’s agreeing to.

Again they leave in silence, making their way upstairs without saying anything or touching. Ted opens the door this time and while he’s partly braced to be shoved against the wall, he isn’t. He and Barney both take off their coats and Ted’s looking at the couch and looking at Barney, trying to decide something when Barney takes his hand and leads them silently into the bedroom, locking the door.

Ted wants to talk. He wants to talk because talking is what they do, banter is what they’re good at, but talking doesn’t seem to have much of a place right now. He’s trying to normalize the situation, make it seem less surreal because right now Barney is unbuttoning his shirt and looking at Ted like he’s the hottest thing he’s ever seen and it’s just so unreal.

It’s even more unreal that Ted is unbuttoning his own shirt and they’ve seen each other shirtless a hundred times or more but this time it’s different. It’s different because now Barney is unbuckling his belt and Ted is popping the buttons on his fly and now they’re just in underwear which isn’t really that different from being in bathing suits. Except for their matching erections.

They’re still standing up which is awkward, so Ted decides to head for the bed, unsure of what he’s going to do when he gets there. As he sits down he’s relieved because there’s Barney, standing over him, leaning down to kiss him, straddling him and pushing him back on the bed. Now that they’re kissing, a little more roughly than the last time, Ted understands that this is about the passion in the pit of his stomach, the attraction he feels but pushes away, about something almost primal that has always existed between him and Barney. Barney’s hands are everywhere, scraping down his back and pushing through his hair and his own hands are holding Barney close, pulling him down on top of him and now their dicks are rubbing together and it feels so good, kind of high school but it’s all so new that it doesn’t really matter. Thinking of high school makes Ted think about being a virgin which makes him think about how foreign this whole thing is to him - which is why he suddenly whispers, “What If I’m bad at this?”

Barney, who has been sucking lightly on his neck, pulls back and looks at him. “Ted, you have one too. You’re not going to be bad at this.”

“Just, it’s that I’ve just never –“

Barney nods. “I know you never. I never either. Just… let’s just have one rule. If it feels good, then keep going.”

Ted gets the feeling that rule is going to define this relationship.

Oh my God, did he just think relationship? Does Ted think this is going to turn into a relationship? The panic is flooding his body because this can’t possibly be anything more than fooling around, than experimentation between best friends, but now Barney’s hand is down his boxers and finally touching his cock and he decides not to worry about the word relationship right now.

The feeling is so electric they both get firmly on the bed and wiggle out of their boxers, now fully naked and hard against each other and Barney’s hand is back in that spot, tugging and jerking and it’s harder than what a girl would do but it’s better. Barney is right – he has one too, and he knows what he’s doing.

Ted is just lying there, letting Barney work his dick and panting and staring at him when Barney leans in and whispers, “Don’t leave me hanging, bro,” and Ted reaches out and finds Barney’s dick and starts pulling, stroking. It feels different than his own, but similar, and that’s how this how situation feels. Similar, because he’s been jerked off before and done the jerking off (if only to himself), but different because Barney’s body is all sharp angles and tight skin. Similar because he’s really, really enjoying himself but different because he’s still operating on a slight internal panic mode. He rolls his head over so he’s looking directly at Barney, locking eyes with him.

That’s when the situation gets familiar again. This is Barney, his friend, one of his best, and he knows all of his moves and all of his tricks but there isn’t anything tricky about this. It’s honest and open and he isn’t being lied to, deceived into sex, he’s here with Barney, his friend. It’s intimate and close, it’s really, really close, and suddenly Ted is close. He doesn’t know when he got there but he’s almost there, almost coming and there’s electricity between their bodies, between their gazes.

He says, “Oh fuck, oh fuck, I’m gonna come,” and then he does, arching back and groaning, Barney still pumping him as he comes over his stomach and all over Barney’s hand. After a few more groans as he starts to go soft Barney reaches across him and grabs some tissues from the bedside table, cleaning off his hands first and then Ted, slowly. He tosses the tissue off the side of the bed.

Ted stares up at him, not knowing whether he should say thank you or that was awesome or what, exactly, but Barney is calm and collected and still very much directing this cruise ship when he says softly to Ted, “Maybe you should suck my dick.”

Ted’s kind of taken aback because it sounds so dirty and commanding, and Barney has told him a thousand times to suck his dick but he’s never actually meant it, they’ve never actually been naked when he said it and with Ted post-orgasm. He’s very suggestible post-orgasm, agrees to a lot of things he wouldn’t normally agree to, which is what he tells himself as he pushes Barney down on the bed, slides himself down, and slowly takes Barney’s cock in his mouth.

Barney hisses, and then sighs happily. Ted is still really, really not sure what he’s doing but keeps telling himself not to think about it, just go with it, just do what he likes having done to himself. He’s working his tongue around Barney and balancing himself with his hands, being careful not to lean too heavily on him. He bobs up and down, keeping perfect time, and the more Barney moans the better he feels inside. When he has a chance to glance up he sees Barney looking down at him with lust-hazed eyes he finds himself thinking this isn’t so bad at all. It’s actually kind of nice. He just keeps going, feeling Barney pulse and twitch in his mouth, and he manages to focus in on just this moment, just exactly what he’s doing.

Barney’s hand curls gently around his head, fingers in his hair, coming around the cuff of his ear to rest on his neck. He’s kind of scratching, rubbing Ted’s neck almost and it feels good. Then Barney’s hand tightens at the curve of his neck and shoulder and he realizes Barney is trying to tell him something, warning him that he’s about to come by digging his fingers into Ted’s shoulder. Ted hesitates – should he pull back and jerk off Barney to orgasm or does he dare try to swallow? Barney is pulling at him now, his moaning getting more intense and his body tightening and Ted pulls back like he’s going to stop but keeps his mouth covering the head of Barney’s dick, bringing a hand up to stroke.

“Holy shit,” Barney says, clearly watching Ted and he drops his hand from Ted’s neck, obviously not protesting. “Ted I’m gonna come,” he says, final warning but Ted stays where he is, pumping still and then Barney is coming, right in his mouth and it’s warm and not like anything he’s ever tasted before – not bad, not good, just something new. He waits until Barney is done, body going limp before he pulls away completely and swallows.

He’s kind of sitting up now, looking at Barney panting and sweating and flushed. Barney struggles to speak, like his mouth is dry.

“That was really fucking hot, Ted,” he says. “And here you were worried you were going to be bad.”

“Beginner’s luck,” Ted shrugs, and lies down next to him so they’re both staring at the ceiling. Their bodies are touching, arm to arm, and their feet touch lightly. Ted doesn't know what to say (there is that compulsive need to talk again) so he stays quiet, hand on his chest, mind blank.

After several minutes have passed, Ted is starting to feel slightly sleepy. He rolls to his side, prepared to ask Barney if he wants to stay over when Barney gets up and starts getting dressed.

“That was really great, buddy,” he says, pulling his pants on. Ted suddenly feels kind of stupid. Why would Barney stay the night? They’re just friends, fooling around. No real need for sleepovers.

“It was,” Ted agrees. All his usual lines are popping up in his head, including we should do this again sometime, but he isn’t sure they’ll do any good here.

Barney is nearly fully dressed so Ted slides off the bed to at least pull on his boxers. “I have an early meeting tomorrow,” Barney tells him, as if to explain why he isn’t staying. “See you at the bar around six?”

“Sure,” Ted says, and as Barney unlocks the bedroom door Ted is torn as to whether he should walk with Barney to the door or just stay where he is, but he finds himself following, out into the living room. When Barney gets to the door he turns around and says “See ya!” walking backwards and pulling the door shut as he goes.

Ted stands there and feels like he missed something – doesn’t he at least get a kiss goodbye?

That was the second time they didn’t spend the night together.


	3. Chapter 3

They don’t hook up the next night at the bar, and things are kind of back to normal. Except the room looks different somehow, and Barney looks different to Ted. Maybe it’s because every time Barney laughs so hard his eyes close it reminds Ted of what he looks like when he’s coming. Maybe it’s because when Barney’s hand lands on his shoulder he can remember how that same hand feels on his dick. But they don’t talk about any of that, and Barney doesn’t hit on him (or anyone, Ted notices, but more importantly not him), and things are kind of back to normal. At the end of the night with everyone saying good bye Barney is the first one to leave, so Ted goes upstairs alone and sits in his bedroom and thinks too much.

But then it does happen again. And then it happens again after that. Not every night, not quite every other night. Ted can’t find anything predictable in what makes Barney decide he wants to fool around with Ted sometimes when other times he doesn’t. He’s looking for a pattern, trying to find reason or rhyme but it simply isn’t there. Sometimes they go to Barney’s place, sometimes they go to Ted’s. Sometimes they fool around in the car, once behind the bar and once in the hallway outside of Ted’s apartment but when they both think they hear someone coming they scramble into the apartment as fast as they can. Everything is very hidden, and secretive, and Ted tries really hard not to think about it because after all, Barney told him not to.

And, Ted thinks, Barney clearly isn’t thinking about it either.

In between everything going on, things are normal. They hang out together, or with the gang. They joke and banter just like they should, and in fact Ted feels like they’re better friends than ever. They start hanging out more. They go to different bars and just talk – talk about life, talk about things that aren’t relationships and failure and constant ribbing on each other. It’s different when they’re just friends, not wingmen, not constantly on the prowl. Barney comes over sometimes and they watch movies in silence, like they’re just enjoying each other’s company. Ted goes to his place and they play video games and joke and one time Barney even made dinner. They’re getting to know each other on some level, some deeper level. Ted’s getting to know things about Barney he didn’t know before, and Barney is getting to know about him. It’s intimate. It’s personal.

The only thing that is bothering him is that they never sleep over, or spend the night – whatever you want to call it. After the third time of not sleeping over he was ok, and after the fourth time that was fine, and after that time behind the bar there wasn’t really anywhere to sleep so that was kind of ok too. But this has been going on for a few months now and still every time, Barney leaves or finds a reason for Ted to leave and a few times Ted actually did have to leave of his own will but still some part of him wants to sleep over.

There’s still that part of Ted (the girl part, Barney would say) that wishes they’d cuddle. And they have, a little. One time they stayed in bed for ten whole minutes almost spooning except for the fact that they weren’t touching - Ted was just focusing on the feel of Barney’s breath against his neck. And sometimes in the car, or walking upstairs, Barney holds Ted’s hand. But by and large they only touch when it’s sensual, only touch to excite, only touch to elicit a moan. They don’t hold, or cradle, or anything quite like that.

And it really has been going on for months and it’s only today Ted has realized, like really paid attention to something outside of his crazy, lust filled tension with Barney that it really is the relationship in his life. Ted hasn’t been looking at other girls. He hasn’t tried to pick up anyone, hasn’t even noticed if other girls have been at the bar, or in the room, or anywhere. He’s really only noticed Barney. He has spent the last few months observing Barney, tracking, analyzing, trying to figure out anything going on with him - with them. Barney is his obsession. Barney is all he thinks about from the time he gets up the morning until he goes to bed at night.  
Barney is his boyfriend. Well, his boyfriend in his head.

But that idea makes him totally panic. Not so much the boyfriend part because really, take the girl out and put the boy in and you’ve got Barney but the relationship part. Sure, he hasn’t been looking but what has been Barney been doing these past few months? Who has he been hooking up with? Why is it that, in all of his observation, Ted can’t recall for the life of him who Barney is and isn’t sleeping with?

He has no choice. He has to ask the group.

They’re at the bar early, him and Marshall and Lily and Barney isn’t due to arrive for a while so it’s the perfect time. “Have you guys noticed anything weird going on with Barney lately?”

Marshall gives him this really weird look that makes him feel like he’s been in a coma for years and has woken up to ask if Phantom Menace was any good. “If by weird you mean monumentally disturbing yes, we have noticed something weird going on with Barney.”

Disturbing? “Disturbing? What are you talking about?”

“Barney hasn’t really been himself lately,” Lily explains. “I mean, on the one hand I don’t want to complain too much because I don’t think he’s tried to look at my boobs in like weeks, but it is kind of odd.”

“What’s odd? I don’t understand,” Ted says and he really doesn’t because he hasn’t been paying attention to Barney and Lily so much as he’s been paying attention to just Barney. Has Lily even been in the room? Have any of them? Oh my God he really has been in a coma. A broma, oh God was that Barney’s voice in his head what is going on anymore.

“He’s just been really un-Barney lately. I mean, he’s still got the annoying jokes and the magic and the over-inflated sense of self but something is off with him,” Lily says. “I don’t know exactly what it is.”

“Oh, I know,” Marshall says, sharing a knowing glance with Ted. The problem is Ted doesn’t know what he’s supposed to know, but he knows something that Marshall doesn’t know, and he’s really worried he’s going to psychically transmit that information right now.

“You know?” Lily asks.

“You know?” Ted tries to sound equally as curious to throw Marshall off any potential trail he’s leaving out there.

“Oh, I know,” Marshall says. “I know what’s really going with Barney, and I know he doesn’t want us to know because it’s probably the most embarrassing thing of his entire life.”

Ted’s mouth goes dry. “The most embarrassing of his entire life? This must be a pretty huge thing then considering this is Barney we’re talking about.” And not me, he thinks, and not me, not me, definitely not me I am not embarrassing.

“Oh it’s huge. In fact, telling you what it is might alter the way you think of Barney forever,” Marshall says and Ted starts fidgeting in his seat. He suddenly feels transparent, like this is a huge joke Marshall and Lily are both playing on him. Please don’t let them be secretly recording this.

“Ooh, tell me tell me!” Lily squeals, grabbing Marshall’s arm excited. “I’m always up for a life-changing, perception-altering secret.”

“Yeah tell,” Ted agrees weakly because he might as well get this over with.

“Ok,” Marshall says, huge grin on his face. He motions for them to lean in and they do, bowing their heads a little. Marshall drops his voice to a loud whisper. “Barney is in the middle of a dry spell.”

Lily pulls back gasping, “Oh my gosh, this explain so much!”

“What do you mean a dry spell?” Ted asks because while he knows what a dry spell is, he doesn’t understand how Marshall can tell that Barney is going through one when he and Ted are hooking up left and right.

“I mean Barney is totally and completely unable to get laid right now,” Marshall explains. “It’s been going on for so long I think he’s even stopped trying.”

“No!” Lily exclaims.

“What do you mean he’s stopped trying?” Ted asks.

“Dude, come on, haven’t you seen him in the last few weeks? He barely looks at girls in the bar, or anywhere, he only tries to pick up Lily and Robin, I haven’t seen him take anyone home in a long time – it’s all there. The proof. He’s in a major dry spell right now and I think it’s going to last a while.”

“That explains so much,” Lily says. “He’s hit a valley. He’s wandering, lost, no mojo whatsoever. What do you think caused it?”

“I have no idea,” Marshall says. “Maybe he struck out with someone really big? Maybe some girl shot him down so hard he lost his hard on?”

“Possibly,” Ted says but he’s only half in the conversation at this point. What is hearing is that Barney isn’t looking either, isn’t hooking up with other girls. It means something, it’s significant. It means that whatever they’re doing, whatever this is, it’s important enough to Barney to make sure that Ted is the only one he’s doing this stuff with right now. It’s major. Ted’s kind of floored.

Is he really that important to Barney?

“This is so crazy,” Lily says.

“So crazy,” echoes Ted.

“I know, I know, but don’t bring it up,” Marshall says. “I’m still trying to figure out the perfect time to bring it up and embarrass him over it. I haven’t come up with quite the right pun yet.”

“It’ll come to you, baby,” Lily says, patting his arm.

“Oh my God, look here he comes, don’t say anything, don’t say anything,” Marshall says, relaxing into his seat and trying to act natural.

Ted turns to look at Barney coming in the bar, trying to see if there is anything really so noticeably different that the others could tell. Barney looks largely like himself, big smile on his face and same pep in his walk. In fact, if Ted didn’t know any better, he’d think that-

“I just got a number!” Barney announces sitting down, and slamming the piece of paper on the table to be examined.

Marshall and Lily try to act impressed but Ted can tell by looking at them that Lily is secretly sad that Barney just might be back to normal and Marshall is sad that the pun he’s been perfectly crafting in his head is going to go unused.  
“A number?” Ted asks, taking the paper and examining it to make sure it’s real. Looks like girl handwriting, doesn’t look like a fake number.

“Yes, a number. Smoking hot blonde, serving me coffee, I talked her up, talked her down and tomorrow night I’ll be serving her some piping hot Barney.”

“Nice, dude,” Marshall says smiling and Lily is smiling too because that wasn’t too bad of a euphemism.

“Yeah real nice,” Ted tries to say it like he means it but he doesn’t mean it at all. What happened to the dry spell, the no looking around? Not that they had an agreement on it or anything, not that it was ever talked about but all the same after talking with Marshall he had the feeling it was some sort of unspoken agreement.

Suddenly he gets an idea.

“I’m gonna get some drinks, you guys want?” Marshall asks, taking orders and Lily goes with him to help bring them back.

As soon as they leave the table Barney’s phone starts ringing.

“Well, well,” he says looking over at Ted, smiling. “Who could that be?” He pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Go for Barney.”

Ted holds up his own cell phone which has clearly just dialed the number on the paper. “You got a number,” he says dryly.

“Fine,” Barney hisses, putting his phone away. “I got a new cell number. There was no hot blonde serving coffee just an average looking redhead at the wireless store. You have to ruin everything Ted,” he sighs.

“I have to ruin everything?” Ted says just a little too loudly and then he kind of looks around to make sure Marshall and Lily didn’t hear. “I’m the one who ruins everything, not you walking in here with your number and your hot blonde story.”

“What are you talking about Ted?”

“I’m talking about the fact that Marshall and Lily think you’re going through a dry spell, and Marshall was going to embarrass you over it, and you just have to walk in here and ruin everything.”

“What? That’s crazy, I’m not going through a dry spell,” Barney laughs.

Ted stares him down. “Oh, trust me, I know.”

There’s an uncomfortable silence between them. Ted doesn’t know what point it is that he’s trying to make exactly. So Barney lied about picking up a girl, not exactly fresh and original material. Why does it matter so much? They’re just starting at each other, Ted angry (about what?) and Barney – Barney is what? His face looks like a mix between a kid who got caught stealing cookies and a kid who just broke his mom’s priceless vase.

“Guys, what’s going on?” Marshall asks setting down the drinks in front of them. They break their intense stare-off and Ted looks at the drinks, looks at the number sitting on the table still and considers telling the truth but thinks better of it.

“Nothing,” Ted says, “I’m just tired of Barney constantly insulting me.” That is a reasonable enough approximation to the truth.

“What did he say now?” Lily asks.

“Nothing, I didn’t say anything, Ted’s lying,” Barney says and for one brief minute Ted thinks he’s going to tell the truth. “Ted’s just jealous of my number.”

Ok, so that is secretly the truth.

“I am not,” Ted says.

“Oh Ted, don’t worry,” Lily says. “I’m sure it’ll turn out to be nothing. Barney is kind of rusty these days.”

“What are you talking about,” Barney says, playing stupid.

“Oh nothing,” says Marshall loudly. “Nothing at all,” and Ted can tell he’s hoping Barney does strike out with this imaginary girl so his awesome pun is not lost.

Ted decides to drop it. In fact, he decides to drop the whole thing. “Whatever, listen, I have some stuff I need to take care of, I’ll see you guys later,” he says and even though Marshall and Lily are protesting and badgering Barney for whatever it is he did wrong, Ted leaves.

Upstairs Ted throws his coat down angrily and kicks at the floor. He flops down on the couch, folding his arms across his chest.

All of the noise causes Robin comes out of her room. Ted didn’t mean to disturb her.

“Hey storm cloud,” she says, flopping down next to him. “What’s got you all upset?”

“Nothing,” he huffs. “I’m just sick of Barney right now.”

“Oh boy, what did he do this time?” Robin asks, patting his knee.

“I don’t even know. He’s just making me so mad right now. He’s just always screwing things up, making a mess of things.”

“Oh Ted,” Robin says sympathetically. “Is he being a bad boyfriend?”

“What?!” Ted exclaims loudly and jumps away from her touch. “What are you talking about?”

“I know he can be a real jerk sometimes Ted but you know he really cares about you, he isn’t doing it on purpose,” Robin says and Ted tries to calm down, decides that Robin was just picking on him with the boyfriend comment. He settles back down on the couch.

“Whatever, I’m just over it. I’m over him. I need a break,” he says.

“A break might not be a bad idea, you guys have been spending an awful lot of time together lately,” Robin says. “Too much Barney can be hazardous to one’s health.”

“Tell me about it,” Ted says.

Robin pats him again and rises from the couch. “Just don’t break up with him over this,” she says, “it’s just a bump in the road. You guys will work it out.”

“Again, what?” Ted asks.

“Don’t break up with Barney just because he’s a jerk once in a while. I mean, you knew that before you starting dating him, right?” Robin asks.

“No, seriously what are you talking about, me and Barney dating?”

Robin looks genuinely confused. “Oh come on Ted, it’s not like I don’t know. I’m not blind. Or deaf for that matter. You guys have been fooling around for like, I don’t even know how long now. Is he not your boyfriend?”

Ted can only sputter.

“Ted it’s not a big deal if he’s your boyfriend. In fact I don’t really know why you guys are trying to hide it, no one cares if you’re dating. I mean, Barney is a little below you but we can’t pick who we’re attracted to now can we?” Robin shrugs.

“What?” Ted asks meekly. He can barely even get the word out.

Robin sits back down on the couch with him. “Everyone knows you guys like each other, are attracted to each other. It was just a matter of time. And you know, so far you guys have been really good together. You’ve really calmed Barney down, made him tolerable to be around. And he’s kind of made you less neurotic too, at least outwardly. Everything seems to be going pretty well for you guys.”

“We’re not dating, Robin,” Ted says slowly.

“Well whatever it is that you’re doing, it’s not so bad,” Robin shrugs. “Just wait out your little Ted freak out, Barney will apologize for being a jerk and all will be right in the world.”

“No, we’re not dating Robin…”

“Ted, seriously,” Robin says. “Maybe not everyone has realized what’s going on, but I live here. I’ve seen Barney leaving at weird hours, you guys are like always together here, you make really loud bedroom noises and also you’ve been playing that mix tape you only play when you’re obsessing about a girl. But there’s no girl – just Barney.” Robin shrugs again, and then laughs. “Bet it feels pretty good though.”

Ted feels trapped. Here he’s been worried about transparency, worried about everything going on and that everyone knows but part of him kind of knew that no one really did suspect anything. He figured if they had, they would have said something. But apparently here Robin has been, quieting observing them and also apparently approving. He can’t really argue with her points and doesn’t really want to either. After all, wasn’t he just pissed off because Barney seemed to be denying them?

“He never sleeps over,” Ted blurts out and then feels his face flush.

Robin sighs, falling forward on the couch. “Ted, you are such a girl,” she says, words slightly muffled by the cushions.

“I just, I mean - I just meant how can we even be dating if he never sleeps over?” Ted asks softly. Robin rises to look at him.

“It sounds to me like you guys have a lot to talk about,” she says.

Ted nods. They do need to talk about this, finally really talk about it and maybe establish some boundaries and rules. If they can’t do that then maybe they need to talk about ending this because whatever it is, it’s eating Ted up to not girl-out and blab about it to everyone and hold hands and cuddle and go on romantic dates and do all of those things that he really wants to do. And he really, really wants to do them with Barney.

He thinks about calling him – hell, he even has Barney’s new number – but decides tonight isn’t the night for that conversation. Tonight he needs to pull himself together, ask himself what it is that he really wants and what he’s willing to accept and what his deal breakers are. Tonight he needs to sleep alone not because Barney left him but because he decided it should be that way.

It’s the first night he’s not all broken up inside about being alone.


	4. Chapter 4

He decides to lie low for a few days, still gathering himself. He doesn’t go to the bar but he goes out, taking long walks and thinking about life and meaning and all those kinds of things. He’s gathering his composure, trying to decide what will happen if they do decide to stop whatever they’re doing and try to go back to normal. Things will never be completely normal again no matter what happens, he reasons. No matter what, for the rest of their lives, he’s gonna know exactly what Barney looks like naked, know what he tastes like, know how his body feels and how it moves.

Total normalcy isn’t something he’s super concerned with right now.

Robin had agreed not to say anything while he lies low, though she found it hard to believe Marshall and Lily didn’t suspect anything. Ted didn’t find it that surprising – once in a while they were blinded to the reality of certain situations. She also said she wouldn’t mention their conversation to Barney, not even in private and not even if asked. Ted wanted to Barney to come to all this on his own, not through any kind of friendly intervention.

On day four he’s relieved when his phone rings and it’s Barney. He’s also ready.

“Wanna come over?” Barney asks quietly.

“Sure,” Ted says and that’s the extent of the conversation. He’s in the cab before he even realizes it.

Once he’s there, knocking on the door, he suddenly gets a chill. He has no idea what is that he’s walking into. No idea how the conversation is going to start. His mind is ready to go into different scenarios when the door opens.

There’s Barney, just standing there. He looks a little down, slightly dejected. He isn’t wearing a suit, just regular casual clothing. He isn’t smiling.

Ted’s stomach bottoms out.

“Hey,” he says.

“Come on in,” Barney says, stepping back. “I made dinner.”

Ted feels slightly surprised. He walks in and sees dinner set out nicely on the table. He shrugs off his coat and Barney takes it for him, then they sit down at the table. Barney isn’t speaking and Ted still hasn’t figured out what to say so they just start eating in silence. It’s a little awkward.

“This is really good,” Ted says, trying to lighten things up.

“Thank you,” Barney says quietly and now Ted is starting to feel like he kicked Barney’s puppy and can’t remember doing it.

“So what’s up,” he says casually, “why’d you invite me over here, make me dinner?”

“Haven’t seen you in a few days, and I figured you weren’t really up for the bar right now,” Barney says. “And you really liked my pasta last time, so…”

“Do you wanna talk about something?” Ted asks.

“Do you?” Barney counters.

Ted throws his fork down on the table. “Come on dude don’t play around like this. I’m sorry I got mad at you the other night but you pissed me off.”

“I don’t even know what I did to piss you off!” Barney exclaims.

“Are you serious? Are you seriously that dense right now?” Ted asks.

“Obviously I am!”

“What is going on here?” Ted asks. “Between us, what is going on here? We need to talk about this, now.”

“I thought that I told you not to worry about that…”

“You did, Barney, but I worried about it anyway. Because unlike you, I am capable of human feeling after sexual contact. It doesn’t turn me into a robot who wants to dispose of a person, it makes me want to get closer to them.”

“We have been getting closer, and I am capable of feeling…”

“Are you really? Because I’m seriously beginning to doubt that. We’ve been doing whatever this is, for however long we’ve been doing it and that’s all we’re doing. And we’ve been getting close but it’s not close enough for me. I want more, Barney, and I’m sorry if I’m not supposed to say that but you know me, I’m good at doing that. And then you go and pull that bullshit with the fake number in the bar the other night-”

“It was a joke, Ted! It wasn’t even a good one! What are you so bent out of shape over?”

“Because here I thought that maybe, just maybe, you were actually secretly committing to me. Not cheating on me, not looking for anyone else. Just enjoying me, just being with me.”

“Ted, I’m not cheating on you, but we’re not together –“

“I fucking know that!” Ted yells, like really yells, and gets up from the table, kicks his chair and walks away. “I fucking know that we’re not together, that we’re not in a relationship and that we’re just doing what feels good but I can’t stand just that. I can’t take it anymore. I want more than just screwing around, more than just what we’re doing now.” Ted turns to look at Barney, who is still sitting at the table. “I want to be with you. Like really with you, like together. Like maybe even call you my boyfriend.” He pauses. “Maybe, I haven’t really thought that one out yet.”

“Are you sure that’s really what you want?” Barney asks in a small, quiet voice.

“It’s all I’ve been thinking about for the last four days,” Ted says. “Maybe longer.”

Barney doesn’t say anything. He looks down and fidgets. Ted crosses his arms in front of him, waiting for a response. Barney slowly looks up to meet his eyes.  
“I’m not really good at this,” he says.

“Well no fucking shit,” Ted snaps. Barney looks taken aback, but continues.

“I’m not good at this relationship stuff. I just do whatever feels right. I don’t really think about much else than that.”

“Again I say-“

“God dammit, Ted, that’s enough,” Barney says, slamming his palm down on the table. “I’m trying to talk here.”

There’s a little silence. “I’m sorry,” Ted says, “please go on.”

Barney stands up from the table and moves like he’s shaking off a blow. “What I’m trying to say is that I tend to operate without thinking. Most of the time. But you make me think, Ted, you always have and you always do. You’re my best friend, and then we made out, and now we fool around a lot and it feels really, really good but it also makes me feel-“ he gives a loud sigh, “-it makes me feel stuff. Emotional stuff. And I’m not really good with the emotional stuff so I’ve been trying not to deal with it, not think about it, but I do.” He walks over to Ted, closing the distance. “And I think that my not dealing has been kind of hurting you.”

Ted snorts, because the manly bro part of him doesn’t want to admit that Barney’s hurt him but if that were true then they wouldn’t be here right now.

“And I’m sorry that I’m hurting you,” Barney continues. That makes me a bad person, and a bad friend. And Ted, you’re my best friend. So you’re the one person I really don’t want to be hurting but I’m doing it anyway because, like I said, I’m really bad at this. I’ve been trying to keep things light but it’s pretty much impossible because you’re my best friend, you know everything about me, even the really embarrassing stuff. I mean, especially the really embarrassing stuff. And you know all of that but you hang out with me anyway, and you made out with me anyway and that makes me feel really scared.”

“Scared of what?” Ted asks.

“Scared that you could hurt me,” Barney says softly.

Ted sighs and steps closer to him. “Why would I hurt you Barney?”

“I don’t know, I’m not saying you would do it on purpose. These emotional, relationship things – they don’t end well for me and someone usually gets hurt. And I’m always the one doing the hurting and I am worried that I might hurt you but I’m actually worried I’ll get hurt this time. If we try anything.”

“You might get hurt,” Ted concedes. “I might get hurt, you might, we both might get really hurt. In fact, if we try anything we might hurt more people than just us.”

“So you see my point,” Barney says.

“So what are you saying here, Barney? You want things to go back to normal, this to stop? We’ll just go back to being best friends and pretend like this never happened?” Ted asks.

“I’m not saying pretend it never happened because it did, but yeah I think we have to stop this. Before we get hurt, before we hurt each other,” Barney says.

There’s more silence, and this time it’s really uncomfortable. They’re both just standing there, not looking at each other. There is no point in trying to stop this, Ted realizes, because it’s already hurting.

“It’s already hurting,” he says out loud.

“I know,” Barney says.

“I don’t think it’s hurting because it’s a relationship,” Ted says. “I think it’s hurting because it’s not.” Barney looks up at him and they lock eyes. “It’s hurting because it’s what we want to be doing – what I want to be doing – and we’re not doing it. It feels like it should happen and it’s not happening and that’s what hurts.“

Barney shifts uncomfortably. “Maybe…”

“Maybe we should just try it,” Ted says. “Maybe we should just be together, because it feels good, and we’ll worry about the details later. Maybe if we just try it, we’ll stop hurting."

“I don’t know,” Barney says.

“Look, Barney – I’ll lay it all out on the line here. I want to try this, with you. I want to hold your hand and go on dates and I want to cuddle on the couch with you.” Ted steps forward and takes Barney’s hands in his. “I want to figure out the details as we go because honestly I’m not exactly sure I want to make out with you in public yet. I might want to, someday. And when that day comes I’d rather be with you than figuring it out on my own, watching you be with someone else. Or you trying to be with someone else. Or me trying to be with someone else. Right now, all I want is to try is to be with you. My best friend. Who I am also really attracted to, who I also like seeing naked.”

Barney laughs. “Ted, if I’m bad at this-“

“If you’re bad at this Barney, I’ll slap you and I’ll tell you how to not be bad at it,” Ted says. “And if you actually listen to me, it might just work out ok.”

“Ted, what if-“

“It would be really great, really great, if you would do something wild and crazy for once in your life,” Ted says.

The tension is broken and Barney falls against Ted, and they’re kissing that real kissing that feels like they’ve been doing it since they met. It’s desperate like Barney is afraid it won’t ever happen again and comfortable like Ted knows it’s going to keep happening. They’re all over each other, hands moving and bodies moving and clothes are coming off and now they’re in the bedroom and they’re falling backwards and Barney is on top of him like always. Barney is between his legs, shoving him back further on the bed and they’re practically fused at the mouth. It’s hot, intensely hot and in the few days they’ve been apart Ted’s really, really missed this touching and this contact. He’s hungry for this, dying for it and how could either of them possibly think they could go without it?

Barney is pressing into him, pinning him down and the whole thing is so intense from all of the emotion and all of the talking and the not seeing each other for several days. Barney is looking at him like he hasn’t seen him years, touching him like he might never touch him again and that’s when Ted realizes that they’re going to have sex. Like really have sex, not all this fooling around, hand and blow jobs they’ve been doing over the past few months.

They haven’t yet because there’s always been a reason not to, some interruption or someone chickens out or something. Ted thinks that they also haven’t actually had sex yet because that would make it serious, make the entire thing more real. Fooling around is one thing and if things really had just stopped at some point it would have been easier to forget about it. But this is serious, this is commitment. He knows having sex isn’t going to be just a one-time thing, and it’s not just going to be meaningless. Maybe that’s really why they’ve been waiting, maybe that’s really why Barney hasn’t pushed the issue. The idea of not having meaningless sex probably terrifies him and what’s more he’s going to have it with Ted so it’s really, really impossible for it to not mean something.

Barney looks up from where he’s been kissing Ted’s chest, looks him in the eyes. “Are we really gonna do this?” he asks.

“Yeah, I think we’re really gonna do this,” Ted answers. “All of it. The sex, the relationship – everything. We’re really gonna do everything.”

“Okay,” Barney says and he’s reaching over Ted for something, but Ted quickly realizes what it is. Then he realizes he really doesn’t know what he’s doing here.

“How is this going to work?” He asks, watching Barney juggling the condom and the lube.

“I uh, I did some reading,” Barney says. “On the internet. I think I’ve got the basics down.”

“You did research on this?” Ted asks.

“There’s a lot of stuff out there on the internet, you can find a lot of really useful information,” Barney informs him. His hands are all over the place doing strange yet wonderful things to Ted, things he’s never really thought about before but they all seem to make perfect sense.

“Can you use that useful information?” Ted asks but it’s really more like begging. “Now would be good.”

“Yeah, I’m trying, this just a little different here,” Barney says, and he’s adjusting both of them and this is really happening Ted thinks and then it is really happening, Barney is actually inside of him and they are actually having sex and this is really real.

Ted is tense, extremely tense and his breathing gets really erratic. Barney is in his ear whispering, “Shh, shh, it’s ok, just relax it’s ok,” and it’s actually soothing and Ted’s trying to relax but this is extremely new to him, the whole experience, and it’s definitely going to take some getting used to.

“I’m trying,” he whispers, and really he is but possibly trying is making it worse so he tries to just breathe, relax and go with it. Barney is still over him, kissing his neck softly and whispering still, calming him down. After a bit more Ted’s breathing because more normal, his body relaxes, and he feels ready.

“Ok,” he whispers, because he can’t actually speak right now, “ok, this is ok. This is good.”

“Yeah?” Barney asks and he moves a little which is an entirely different level of good and they both moan, loud and long and Ted really hopes that’s exactly how the night is going to go.

“Yeah oh my god, do that again but go slow, please,” Ted begs and Barney nods, and they go back to kissing, kissing and moving but not against each other the way they have been, they move together now. It’s not a perfect rhythm, but they’re working at it, getting there slowly. Barney starts to go a little faster, everything becomes a little smoother and there’s a feeling to it that Ted can’t name, can’t describe.

“Oh, god, Ted,” Barney moans, kissing him all over, at least where he can reach. “Oh god I’ve wanted this for so long, you don’t even know, Ted, oh god.”

“I know, I know Barney me too, I’ve wanted this to happen, now it’s actually happening,” Ted says, panting and moaning , his hips bucking and jerking.

“No I mean all of it Ted, not just this not just right now. You, I’ve wanted you for so long,” Barney says, thrusting and driving and his words are just turning Ted on, making the whole things even hotter. He can’t believe what Barney’s saying but he can believe it all at the same time, just didn’t think he’d ever hear something like that coming from him. He knows it, knew it in the back of his mind, has known it since this whole thing started. It had to be true – if it wasn’t, why would Barney have ever asked him to make out in the first place?

“I know,” Ted says because that’s all he can think to say, “I know, me too.”

It quickly becomes apparent to Ted that this is going to be like most first times – not anywhere near as long as you would like but incredibly awesome all the same. Barney seems to be losing control, panting and moaning and Ted thinks he must be getting close. Ted himself is pretty close but not there just yet. He’s starting to think he might be able to hold on a little longer but that’s when Barney’s hand comes up and grips his dick tightly and begins pumping him roughly. He almost screams out, almost, but what comes out instead is just a loud, strangled sound of excitement. Barney kind of laughs and Ted wonders how he can possibly laugh during all of this but it’s gentle, it’s happy laughter. This whole thing is very, very happy.

“Ted, Ted,” Barney says urgently, “Ted, I’m sorry I can’t,” he moans.

Ted understands. “It’s ok, just… it’s ok, it’s not like this is going to be the last time,” he says. Besides, he’s not that far behind himself.

Barney just nods above him, leaning down again for a kiss, sealing his mouth over Ted’s even as he’s moaning. Ted’s moaning too because just thinking about Barney being close, just having Barney inside him is hot enough to make him come. But Barney is also touching him, taking care of him in some strange way and when that thought crosses Ted’s mind, that’s when he loses it. He’s moaning, almost crying, into Barney’s mouth and his whole body tenses and tightens and now Barney is crying out also, and Ted feels him go still and he looks up, locking eyes with Barney again and they just stare at each other, observing. Barney shudders and it shakes his whole body making Ted’s body vibrate also. Then they both go still, perfectly still. Barney is still propped up above Ted, and they’re both really sweaty and now kind of sticky and it should be kind of gross but it isn’t, it isn’t at all.

Barney slides out and flops down next to Ted and does something unexpected. He rolls on his side and rolls Ted on his side, pulling him close so that Barney is the big spoon and Ted is the little spoon, and Barney’s arms are securely around him, with one hand pressed flat on his chest. Ted almost can’t breathe, almost passes out from the sheer excitement of it (and previous activities). This is what Ted has been wanting, this is what Ted has been holding out for. It’s not the sex, it wasn’t ever about the sex or the making out or the blow jobs it was about this part. The part where they’re sweaty and sticky but they stick to each other anyway, and Barney rests his chin at the junction of Ted’s neck and shoulder and his mouth is close to his ear and he can hear Barney breathing or rather feel it and starts breathing in time with him. This is the part he wanted the most.

“Wanna stay over?” Barney asks quietly and kisses his ear.

And that was the part Ted was really waiting for.

So here they are, months later from the first time, and they’ve both showered (together) and are nice and clean and also warm from the water. Ted is in just his boxers, slightly tensed in Barney’s bed because he doesn’t know how this is going to go exactly. They haven’t done sex but now they have, and they haven’t done cuddling but now they have, and they haven’t slept in the same bed together but they’re about to and Ted thinks this is an awful lot of firsts for one night.

Then suddenly he thinks about the times they have shared a bed together, before all this – even way before that first make out session. The times they’ve been road tripping or been on vacation and they end up in some crappy motel or some friends’ house and even though one of them could sleep on the floor, the other one never does. They’ve actually spent several nights together, Ted realizes, just not in the way he ever wanted to.

He tries to remember how any of those nights ever went. He tries to think if they ever touched on those nights, or woke up awkwardly or anything like that. He can’t really recall anything happening, anything awkward or awful. But what he can recall is what Barney looks like sleeping. How peaceful he looks, how quiet. When he isn’t busy running his mouth or talking himself up Barney actually looks kind of innocent, like there is something untouched about him. Ted wonders if that’s what he’ll look like tonight, or in the morning.

Barney comes out of the bathroom finally and turns off the lights. He slides into bed with Ted and touches him, grabbing his arm and rolling him back over to spoon and Ted doesn’t mind at all. It’s weird that Barney is possessive and dominating but also not weird. It also seems exactly like Barney, since he’s been the one who seemed to be most in control during this entire thing.

Ted opens and closes his mouth several times because every time he is about to say something it suddenly sounds stupid and he decides against it. He knows his brain is a little foggy right now because even “good night” sounds stupid. He finally decides on the most intelligent thing floating through his brain right now.

“Good night, boyfriend.”

Barney tenses up behind him, Ted can feel it. His whole body goes rigid and the hand that was resting on his hip now has an iron grip on him. Ted didn’t mean to freak Barney out (ok maybe he did) – he just wanted to see what kind of reaction he would get (he was banking on this one).

“Good night, boyfriend,” Barney whispers to him.

That was not what Ted was expecting. His stomach drops and he feel s warm, a warmth that starts deep inside him and radiates outward. They’re going to do this. They’re going to be boyfriends.

“You know, Ted,” Barney says, “you don’t have to call me that in public or anything.”

Same old Barney, Ted thinks. “We’ll see how it goes I guess,” he says.

“I mean really, you don’t,” Barney says. “You could just call me Barney.”

“And you can call me Ted,” says Ted.

Silence. “Maybe I’ll call you boyfriend,” Barney says.

“Maybe you will,” Ted agrees.

Ted has no idea how he’s actually going to fall asleep. Barney’s sheets are not his – they’re much nicer, but not at all what he’s used to sleeping on. The temperature of the apartment is also a little bit different, maybe a little bit warmer – but then maybe that’s just the feeling of Barney pressed against his back. He isn’t wearing his sleeping boxers, he’s wearing his nice jockeys that feel a little too tight right now.

He wonders if Barney is going to be able to sleep ok. It’s different when it’s your place, your familiar cracks in the ceiling and your sheets and bedspread feeling just the way you’re used to them feeling. It’s different when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom knowing exactly where the bathroom is and not accidentally going into the living room or running into a door.

Typical Ted panic, typical Ted neurosis, he thinks to himself. Barney probably isn’t thinking about how he’s going to sleep at all, Barney is probably already asleep. After all, they’ve already been in bed about thirty minutes if Ted’s internal freak out clock is still ticking correctly (and he’s pretty sure it is) so shouldn’t Barney be asleep right now?

And, as if to answer the internal freak out clock, behind him Barney begins snoring lightly, not loud or obnoxiously, just lightly. He shifts and rolls away from Ted, on to his back with an arm tossed above his head, and that looks kind of cute and wait why did Ted follow his roll and why is Ted just staring at Barney sleeping?

(Because it’s kind of cute.)

It’s awkward watching Barney because he’s secretly afraid Barney will wake up at any minute and then it will be even worse, with Barney freaking out and swatting him away. But as time passes, slowly, he worries less and less that Barney will wake up and more and more that he won’t be able to fall asleep.

The more he thinks about falling asleep the more his mind begins to wander, begins to think about unrelated things and think about where he’s going the next day and how to get to work and will anyone know when he walks in wearing yesterday’s clothes? Will Marshall know, will Lily know? Will Robin be excited for them? Will Barney ever really call him boyfriend in public? Is he ready to handle all of this?

And somewhere, while he’s thinking all of this, he manages to fall asleep.

He wakes up alone. It’s slightly terrifying because at first he isn’t really sure where he is. And that unsureness comes with the usual mental checklist – how much did I drink last night, how did I get home, who did I go home with – but that all gets put on hold when he realizes exactly where he is and all of last night comes back to him.  
Slowly the world comes to light around him, the slight bit of sunlight coming in through the blinds, the noises coming from outside the bedroom and the smells also. He gets up, shaking off sleep, and manages to get out of bed. He looks over at the clock on the nightstand and realizes he has plenty of time before he’s supposed to be anywhere that day.

He goes out of the bedroom and into the kitchen area where Barney is cooking, naked (of course), and he’s putting something on two plates (looks like omelets) and he doesn’t even turn around when he says good morning, just takes the plates to the table.

“You made breakfast,” Ted observes.

“I kind of don’t mind cooking,” Barney says, getting orange juice out of the fridge. “Don’t tell anyone.”

“On the list of the many things I won’t tell people about Barney Stinson, I think likes to cook is pretty low on it,” Ted says.

Barney looks up at him, putting two glasses of juice down on the table. “What’s number one?” he asks.

Ted considers this carefully. He has a lot of options here. “Probably that you snore,” he says.

Barney does a double take and he looks angry. “I do no such thing!”

Ted laughs, sitting down at the table. “Seriously dude you should get that looked into, you might have sleep apnea or something,” he says.

Barney starts to flush bright red even as he sits down. “I do not have sleep apnea, and I do not snore! You’re making up lies!”

“I could tell people how much you like it when I suck on your nipples,” Ted offers, taking a bite of omelet.

Barney looks taken aback for a moment, mouth gaping. “Everyone already knows that,” he says, covering.

“Sure,” Ted says, “they just don’t know that you like it when I do it.”

“You like it when I suck on your neck,” Barney counters.

“You like it when I suck on your dick,” Ted says.

“You like it when I fuck you,” Barney says.

Ted is determined to win this one. “You like cuddling!”

Barney gasps. “Theodore Virginia Mosby, that is obscene!” he exclaims.

Ted laughs loudly. “Still not my middle name,” he says.

“Fine. I won’t tell anything embarrassing about you and you won’t tell anything embarrassing about me,” Barney offers.

Ted considers. “I’ll agree,” he says, “on one condition.”

Barney cocks an eyebrow. “And that is?”

“That is that right now, after we finish breakfast and before we both go to work, you let me spoon you on the bed for a while,” Ted says.

“My god, Ted, you have a filthy mouth!” Barney says. “You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“No, I-“  
“Because I kiss your mother -”

“Barney!” Ted shouts, but they’re both laughing. It’s so ridiculous, so normal and so sane, two bros eating breakfast. And after breakfast they do go back into the bedroom, and Barney does let Ted spoon him. It’s quiet, and calm and warm and perfect.

Ted has no idea where this relationship goes next. He feels happy and fulfilled all day, at peace and whole. He thinks about Barney often but not in that weird obsessive way he’s been doing, in a happy way – maybe even a sexy way. In fact, he has to try not to think too hard about the sexy thing because if he does he starts to get uncomfortable.

He doesn’t think about things too seriously until later that night, when they’re all together at the bar and laughing and things are so normal, so perfect that Ted reaches under the table and grabs Barney’s hand. Barney doesn’t skip a beat, still laughing and telling his story. They never bring their hands up and put them on the table, but Robin does smile too widely at them, and Ted feels like even if he does have “Barney Stinson’s Boyfriend” written on his forehead right now, it wouldn’t matter. Because only that title would allow him to be here, doing this, holding Barney’s hand and talking to all their friends, and to feel like he’s on top of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely support guys! It's really meant a lot to me! But wait - there's more! Did you know this has a sequel? Sure does! Stay tuned!


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